THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
Stage #1 -- Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You
know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course
the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for
hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking,
in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything
about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the
subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
listen in.
Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.
Stage #3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you
will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much
money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
face of the earth.
Stage #4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
worry about loosing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
erupt if he looses.
Stage #5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are
gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.
And you certainly won't remember !
